"My only regret will be, knowing how happy we would've been." I say as I slide on my coat, grab my suitcase and head for the door.
You hold me back. I knew you would. This can't be easy for you, seeing me leave like this. This will be better for the both of us. We couldn't play house forever, now could we? I can't bare to tell you any of this, I know it would only make your heart break more. Instead I say nothing.
You beg me not to leave, but as I step out the door, you hold yourself back. You know this is the right thing. I stop, and almost turn back. No, I can't turn back now. If I do I'll never leave and nothing will ever change. We'll be stuck in these same routines forever. We'll never grow and we'll never change. I put my bag into the waiting taxi and tell him to take me to the airport.
....This is goodbye.
The tears began to silently slide down my face. I didn't want the taxi driver to see my pain, yet my pain was so real, so tangiable. I couldn't believe I had left my life behind me. I quickly drew out a tissue from my pocket and dried my tears. Now was not the time to cry. Tonight, alone in my hotel room, with a glass of fine bourbon, that would be the time to cry. Looking longingly over pictures of the past, then my tears would come.
I wondered about my decision to say goodbye to the one I loved. Even if I never saw him again in this lifetime, perhaps in the next life we would met again. Then I would say "Hello again," and hope to never say goodbye again, as long as I lived.
While we were stopped at a red light, my pain still pumping freshly through my vains, I saw him. The young man who I had admired and loved for years, without saying a word. I knew what I had to do. I paid the taxi driver, and jumped out of the car.
I walked up to him, trying to hide my pain, yet he saw it through my eyes. He kissed me deeply and said, "You and me darling, let's run away to Mexico." Not knowing if it was a mistake or not, I agreed with him. To Mexico we would go.
We stopped at a nearby cafe to eat a light lunch. I told him about how I had left my boyfriend of three years behind. He told me that he had just lost his job. It brought me back to the day we first met, right in this little cafe.
We were both there separately. I was sitting by the only outlet in the cafe, typing up my most recent story on my laptop. He needed to plug in his laptop for a story he was writing. I introduced myself as Jane, and I learned his name was Doug. We met at this cafe many times over the years, sharing our triumphs and woes with each other. And now, now we were going to be doing much more together. We were running away from our own lives together.
We soon got into Doug's car and left for our vacation to Mexico. I didn't know what was going to happen, and I felt very nervous. Although I had met with him many times, I still felt like we didn't know each other very well. We started to make small talk. I told Doug about how I liked to watch cats chasing birds around the neighborhood, and how it reminded me of the circle of life. We began to talk more about our childhoods, and the crazy things we had done as children. Doug told me about how he used to love strapping his action figures to rockets and lighting them off. He did this until one day he accidentally broke one of his neighbors windows. He worked all summer to repair that window, feeling so guilty for breaking it in the first place. I felt my heart stirring at Doug's kindness.
We than began talking about our writing careers. I told Doug about my most recent manuscript, to which he replied, "It's no Stephen King, but...eh...it could work." We often bounced ideas off each other. It helped us grow as writers.
I thought back to the sudden kiss we had shared earlier. It had helped ease my pain of leaving my boyfriend. Running away had made me almost forgot entirely. It was almost as if we were just playing a game, running away to Mexico together. This was the kind of thing I had tried to run away from to begin with. I was done playing games, I was done pretending. I didn't say any of this to Doug, who was kindly taking me in his car. I trusted him, and I was going to stick this out. I wanted to know where our lives would go from here.
We stopped at a motel for the night. It was a dirty place, the kind of place you only go when you have nothing left to lose. I carried my bag into the dark room, hoping it had been properly cleaned. We both laid down on the only bed in the room. Doug put his arms around me and whispered into my ear "You know, I've been waiting for this moment for so long, when we could be together. I love you Jane."
"I love you too Doug." My heart instantly skipped a beat. I knew what I said wasn't true. I had yet again been caught up in a moment. I wasn't in love. I just wanted to get away from my life. I excused myself to the bathroom, to think for a moment. I missed him. I missed my boyfriend. I thought I was doing the right thing, but now I wasn't so sure. I was happy with him. I just thought that I'd be happier without him. I was wrong. Dead wrong.
I missed him. I missed my boyfriend. I thought I was doing the right thing, but now I wasn't so sure. I was happy with him. I just thought that I'd be happier without him. I was wrong. Dead wrong.
I walked calmly out of the bathroom. I grabbed my bag, explaining to Doug I was going to go buy something to drink. I walked out of the room closed the door behind me. I was going to run away again, but this time I was going to run back to what had always made me happy, the man that had always stood by my side. I just hoped he would take me back. I called a taxi, and took it to the nearest train station. I felt bad abandoning Doug, but I knew that the only thing that mattered at this point was my own happiness.
It took a long time for the train to reach my home town, but it gave me plenty of time to think. To think of Ken, the only man that had every really made me happy. I had felt like he was holding me down all this time, but in reality, it was only myself that was holding me down. I didn't call him, I decided it would be best to just show up at our house the house we had shared together for the past year. I realized a lot of things. It seemed that perhaps running away had done me more good than I had realized.
I gulped as I knocked on the door of my house, or what had been my house prior to yesterday when I had packed my bag and left. I was scared and nervous, to see his face again, to have him see my face again. I had been so sure I was doing the right thing the day before, but now I knew that I was just a scared little child. I was just trying to escape from some imaginary monster. There was no monster here, just a loving man. There was no pain, the only pain was that which I had created in my own head.
Ken opened the door. My heart was pounding in my chest. "Jane?" He said looking at me with intense eyes.
I didn't know what to say at first, so I said the only thing I could think of. An echo of the last thing I had said to him. "I couldn't leave with any regrets."